The Bucket List

Bucket list
My husband I and I were driving along the other day. It was sunny and we were on our own, feeling relaxed and happy and we were chatting about this and that when he asked me what was on my bucket list. I couldn't think of anything. Not one single thing I really want to do before I 'kick the bucket'. The realisation hit me like a cold, wet slap in the face.

I wish I could say my bucket list is empty because I feel completely fulfilled with my life as it is and there's nothing I aspire to do. I mean, I have two gorgeous children, amazing friends, lovely family and a job that isn't too taxing and allows me to have a work-life balance. And in one way it is true. I love my life and the people in it and I feel so grateful for all I have. But to say that's why I don't have a bucket list would be a cop out. It's because over the years, I have become so focused on just surviving, that I haven't given myself permission to dream. The pressure of being the major breadwinner, the responsible one, the one who has to keep the family grounded and  safe has left me empty. I haven't dared to take the time to think about my dreams, my hopes, my passions. 

I began to cry.

 Not exactly the reaction my husband was expecting to his lighthearted, playful question. 

I sobbed as I realised just how crippled by fear I have become without even noticing it. When did I turn into this person? I used to have ideas, dreams, desires. Where did they go? And when? 

As I wept, with my slightly baffled husband by my side, my sorrow slowly started to be replaced by another feeling - gratitude. I am so grateful that I've had this realisation because now I'm aware of it, I can change it. 

My first step is to dig deep and find those long forgotten dreams and breathe new life into them. Then I'll start my bucket list.

I'll let you know how I go! 

Do you have a bucket list? What's on it? 

Looking back, looking forward

It's the last day of 2013 and for a lot of people they'll be saying "thank god!" It was a year of struggle for many of the people I know, affected by illness, death, separation, business failure, friendships ending, troubles at work. It seems everyone I talk to can't wait to see the end of the year. I totally understand - I went through a few of those things i just listed - and it would be easy to just write it off as a shit year and one I'm glad is over, but I had to stop myself and realise a) while a lot of crap happened so did some great stuff (sometimes as a result of the crap I went through), and b) everything that happened taught me a lesson which I needed to learn to better equip me for an amazing year ahead.

For example My husband and I had some really dark moments (days, weeks, months) where I think we both ready to just call it quits. It was hard to see any light at then end of the very long, very black tunnel we found ourselves in. There were tears and arguments and shouting and blame and anger and sorrow and depression. I don't know how but we've managed to keep it together and today, maybe even because of all that yelling our relationship is the strongest it has been in the 12 years we've been together. We are communicating more and have had some really honest conversations that probably wouldn't have happened had we not been through that awful period.

I was also jolted by the deaths of several friends over the year. One was a friends mother who I knew and really liked and admired for many years. She was ill and her death was not unexpected but I think what really surprised me and gave me a kick up the ass was her funeral. It was truly lovely. She had been able to plan a lot of it and she made it full of joy. The last few years hasn't been kind to Jenny and she had every reason to be angry and bitter but she wasn't. What shined through on the day that she was laid to rest was the gratitude she had. She was grateful for her friends, her children, her life which she filled with adventure and fun and experiences. The other thing that was evident was the love in the room. Everyone there knew and truly loved Jenny for who she was. It occurred to me that this was the kind of life I wanted and the legacy I wanted to leave. Then I realised there is only one person in the world who can make that happen for me. ME! I will forever be grateful to Jenny for her inspiration.

There was also the sudden death of my friend Chris who I didn't know was even sick. He was taken swiftly and without fuss in November. I hadn't speak to him in such a long time but had often thought "I wonder how Chris is going. I really must call him" but I didn't because other things came up and I got busy. How easy it is?

Chris's death was another wake up call for me for me to take responsibility for my life and my happiness because our time is limited and we are in charge of our own destiny.

For me, trying to find lessons from these tragedies is a way of trying to make sense of them and honouring the memory of these people who made the world a better place just by being in it.

There is so much more I could write about how and why 2013 has been a tough year but I want to finish it in a positive way, because despite the things that have happened to and around me there is still so much to be grateful for and I know I am so incredibly fortunate in the grand scheme of things.

I have discovered new friends and have been reminded of the amazing support of old ones. When I stop and think about the people I have in my life I literally well up. I am surrounded by love and strength and support, and I've been making a conscious effort to make sure those people know how much I love them.

I have achieved things I wanted to achieve. I've achieved things I thought I wanted but realised they actually weren't all that great, then summoned up the courage to walk away from them.

To varying degrees I've been hurt, let down, betrayed, manipulated, underestimated, lied to, lied about and disappointed and while I haven't fully forgiven those who did wrong by me this year (I'm not a fecking saint) I can say I have (mostly) let go of the anger, accepted that everyone is fighting their own battles and have their own reasons for doing what they do, and have taken a little lesson away from each experience.

I have also felt the pure joy of meeting brand new human beings who have brought with them so much love and hope. Their innocence and beauty warm the heart and nourish the soul. I look forward to watching them grow and develop over the next year and beyond.

So all in all it's been a tough year but I know it has prepared us well for the future and whatever it holds.

Happy New Year

A picture can say a thousand words

Warning: If you do not agree with/enjoy the objectification of men, do not look below.

That is all.

Have a nice day :)

The break up

So two weeks ago I ended one of the biggest relationships in my life - i broke up with Facebook.

Well actually, it was more like a trial separation. I didn't delete my account but i stopped using it, and anyone who knows me knows what a huge deal that is. I thought i would really struggle with the disconnect considering i was a borderline compulsive but actually it was easy. True, i did miss the daily giggles i got from the updates of some of my lovely, funny, slightly crazy friends but i didn't miss all the other garbage on there - like the notifications that this 'friend' took the "How sexy are you today" quiz, or the status of that 'frenemy' that was offensive, racist and, worst of all, contained SPELLING ERRORS. I also didn't miss the passive-aggressive status updates by family members that just plain pissed me off.

Jokes aside though what it all boiled down to was that I just didn’t have the headspace for Facebook. My brain went into information overload and I realised that logging on was actually stressing me out.

Anyhoo, while i was revelling in my new found freedom from the shackles of social networking, Facebook wasn't coping so well. It took rejection pretty hard. I imagine it in its underwear, with three days of growth, lying on the couch in a dark room with empty bottles of Jack Daniels littering the floor (oh yeah, Facebook drinks JD).





After about three days of mourning it began its campaign to woo me back.


At first it was just a friendly email “Jennifer, we noticed you haven’t been on Facebook for a while” which I thought was really sweet – wow it actually noticed I wasn’t there…
…..Then the next day there was a more insistent “Jennifer, you have notifications pending”, which I thought was a little abrupt but hey FB is busy…
…..then there was repeated attempts at emotional blackmail “Jennifer, Nicci posted some big news, don’t miss it”, and “See Sally’s new photos”.
Then finally it moved into the angry stage of grief – “If you don’t get your ass back on Facebook now we’re going to track you down and kill you and your family!” (Actually I made that up).


So finally I have caved. I’m hooking back up with Facebook BUT we’ve got some new rules.

I’m only remaining friends with the people I actually care about. I’ve deleted all the former school mates who I wouldn’t sit down and have a coffee with if I had a chance. I also deleted anyone I didn’t know personally, anyone who I knew only friended me to collect info for their next gossip session and anyone who added me just to boost their numbers.

Gone too is everyone under the age of 21 because either a) they are too young to read what I put on FB or b) I’m too old to for their dramatic crap (also they can’t spell and use slang I don’t understand).

So after taking some time off, deleting the people i don't care about and updating my profile picture to something more flattering I’m ready to give this relationship one more try.

Geez if only life was as simple as Facebook……..

Mother of the year

Guilt. We all have it. It might be about what we eat, what exercise we don't do, how much we spend on clothes...the list goes on and on...and on.



The guilt i tend to favour is the 'bad mother' variety. Don't get me wrong i don't get drunk and beat my kids, i don't even beat them when i'm sober (oh but sometimes i'd love to), I feed them, clothe them, encourage them and love them to bits. But some days (many days) they DRIVE ME INSANE. Separately they're okay - they both have a wicked sense of humour, buckets of compassion for others and an intelligence beyond their years, but put them together and they're nasty, obnoxious, argumentative little shits.

 

This is where the guilt kicks in. I shouldn't feel like this about my kids should i? And if i do I certainly shouldn't say it publicly. This kind of attitude is horrible and socially unacceptable. I should be grateful for the gift of children (which i am), I should embrace all their foibles as a wonderful part of their growth, I should cherish every single moment of their childhood because all too soon it will be gone. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

I'm sure this is all true but when i'm living with them slyly hitting one another, snatching the remote control, teasing, name calling etc all i want to do is walk out the door, find a nice quite child free bar and drink myself to oblivion.

I know it is more a reflection on me than them. I'm simply not the all giving, all sacrificing earth mother that i 'should' be. I loath going to school functions (small people en mass tend to make me hyperventilate), I hate constantly nagging about keeping their rooms clean, taking care of their stuff etc (because frankly i still need someone to nag at me for the same things) and I LOVE my alone time.

Actually i think my aversion to school functions also stems from the feeling of judgement by other mothers who are on first name basis with all the staff because of their involvement with the P&C, their regular shifts at canteen and their attendance at weekly mass. I kinda hate those mothers. They're silent but screaming reminders of my maternal shortcomings. I should qualify this by saying 'i'm sure they're really lovely...' but screw it, it's my blog and i can rag on them if i want to.



All that aside i am slowly coming to terms with the fact that i will always need a significant part of my life that is 'me'. It's taken years to make peace with that and i'm not quite there yet. I do have to say though, when 7 mother's immediately 'like' my Facebook status saying "my children make me want to drink" it makes me feel better, because it's proof that i'm not a freak. There are other fabulous women out there who also struggle with the everyday realities of being a mother. 

I just hope when my kids grow up (and when they finish their therapy) they will understand that being true to who you are and accepting that is the only way to live a happy and full life. And that i love them, the little bastards.... 

I have a confession to make. For as long as I can remember I have had a girl crush on...........

I have no idea why. It's not like i ever really watched the show. I think i like what she represents. A strong, sexy, fearless woman. Maybe my New Year's resolution will be to be more like Wonder Woman.

Speaking of NY resolutions - i haven't really made any yet. I wasn't in the frame of mind to do it on 1.1.11 so i decided i'll spend a couple of weeks thinking about my goals for 2011 and make them on 11.1.11.

So far i have:

1) Travel overseas (UK or Spain) - this is totally going to happen, no matter what!

2) Invest my time and energy in people who care as much about me as i do about them - Some friendships die a natural death as people grow and change and move forward. While I'm sad about it i'm not bitter, because i've been lucky to have those people in my life. I will also make the effort to spend time with all the amazing people who i am lucky to call my friends.

3) Speak my mind - I've spent the best part of 30 years swallowing my opinions (believe it or not) but not this year. This year i will clearly state how i feel about things and let other people deal with how that affects them. That's not to say i'm going to go out of my way to upset people but i really believe all the anger, hurt and frustration that i keep inside will eventually make me physically ill so it's time to look after myself.

4) Exercise, eat better, blah blah blah - I'm not going to exercise to get skinny because frankly being skinny means bugger all to me BUT I have found walking regularly has a really positive impact on my frame of mind (I know, what a shock! The experts have only been saying that for like A HUNDRED YEARS). So more physical activity it is!

5) Blog more regularly - it's self indulgent and possibly no one will read it but i don't care! (please, please, please read my blog and tell me how great i am)

6) Learn something new - it might be painting, drawing, surfing, karate, Spanish or all of the above but i need to get my brain working!

Well....that's my list so far. What's on yours?

Hobo Chic

It was minus 3 when I got ready for work this morning. Perfect weather for the “Hobo Chic” look. You know, casually draped layers, scarves, and some form of headwear?

Left the house feeling pretty damn cool….until I caught sight of myself in a shop window

....and realised i'd only got one part of the style down pat.

Oh well, just another day in the life of a woman who has NEVER BEEN HIP xx