Guilt. We all have it. It might be about what we eat, what exercise we don't do, how much we spend on clothes...the list goes on and on...and on.
The guilt i tend to favour is the 'bad mother' variety. Don't get me wrong i don't get drunk and beat my kids, i don't even beat them when i'm sober (oh but sometimes i'd love to), I feed them, clothe them, encourage them and love them to bits. But some days (many days) they DRIVE ME INSANE. Separately they're okay - they both have a wicked sense of humour, buckets of compassion for others and an intelligence beyond their years, but put them together and they're nasty, obnoxious, argumentative little shits.
This is where the guilt kicks in. I shouldn't feel like this about my kids should i? And if i do I certainly shouldn't say it publicly. This kind of attitude is horrible and socially unacceptable. I should be grateful for the gift of children (which i am), I should embrace all their foibles as a wonderful part of their growth, I should cherish every single moment of their childhood because all too soon it will be gone. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
I'm sure this is all true but when i'm living with them slyly hitting one another, snatching the remote control, teasing, name calling etc all i want to do is walk out the door, find a nice quite child free bar and drink myself to oblivion.
I know it is more a reflection on me than them. I'm simply not the all giving, all sacrificing earth mother that i 'should' be. I loath going to school functions (small people en mass tend to make me hyperventilate), I hate constantly nagging about keeping their rooms clean, taking care of their stuff etc (because frankly i still need someone to nag at me for the same things) and I LOVE my alone time.
Actually i think my aversion to school functions also stems from the feeling of judgement by other mothers who are on first name basis with all the staff because of their involvement with the P&C, their regular shifts at canteen and their attendance at weekly mass. I kinda hate those mothers. They're silent but screaming reminders of my maternal shortcomings. I should qualify this by saying 'i'm sure they're really lovely...' but screw it, it's my blog and i can rag on them if i want to.
All that aside i am slowly coming to terms with the fact that i will always need a significant part of my life that is 'me'. It's taken years to make peace with that and i'm not quite there yet. I do have to say though, when 7 mother's immediately 'like' my Facebook status saying "my children make me want to drink" it makes me feel better, because it's proof that i'm not a freak. There are other fabulous women out there who also struggle with the everyday realities of being a mother.
I just hope when my kids grow up (and when they finish their therapy) they will understand that being true to who you are and accepting that is the only way to live a happy and full life. And that i love them, the little bastards....
The guilt i tend to favour is the 'bad mother' variety. Don't get me wrong i don't get drunk and beat my kids, i don't even beat them when i'm sober (oh but sometimes i'd love to), I feed them, clothe them, encourage them and love them to bits. But some days (many days) they DRIVE ME INSANE. Separately they're okay - they both have a wicked sense of humour, buckets of compassion for others and an intelligence beyond their years, but put them together and they're nasty, obnoxious, argumentative little shits.
This is where the guilt kicks in. I shouldn't feel like this about my kids should i? And if i do I certainly shouldn't say it publicly. This kind of attitude is horrible and socially unacceptable. I should be grateful for the gift of children (which i am), I should embrace all their foibles as a wonderful part of their growth, I should cherish every single moment of their childhood because all too soon it will be gone. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
I'm sure this is all true but when i'm living with them slyly hitting one another, snatching the remote control, teasing, name calling etc all i want to do is walk out the door, find a nice quite child free bar and drink myself to oblivion.
I know it is more a reflection on me than them. I'm simply not the all giving, all sacrificing earth mother that i 'should' be. I loath going to school functions (small people en mass tend to make me hyperventilate), I hate constantly nagging about keeping their rooms clean, taking care of their stuff etc (because frankly i still need someone to nag at me for the same things) and I LOVE my alone time.
Actually i think my aversion to school functions also stems from the feeling of judgement by other mothers who are on first name basis with all the staff because of their involvement with the P&C, their regular shifts at canteen and their attendance at weekly mass. I kinda hate those mothers. They're silent but screaming reminders of my maternal shortcomings. I should qualify this by saying 'i'm sure they're really lovely...' but screw it, it's my blog and i can rag on them if i want to.
All that aside i am slowly coming to terms with the fact that i will always need a significant part of my life that is 'me'. It's taken years to make peace with that and i'm not quite there yet. I do have to say though, when 7 mother's immediately 'like' my Facebook status saying "my children make me want to drink" it makes me feel better, because it's proof that i'm not a freak. There are other fabulous women out there who also struggle with the everyday realities of being a mother.
I just hope when my kids grow up (and when they finish their therapy) they will understand that being true to who you are and accepting that is the only way to live a happy and full life. And that i love them, the little bastards....
