Here in Australia yesterday was Mother's Day. It was my first one being officially separated from my husband and father of my daughter, and it highlighted once again how tough it can be for kids of separated parents.
I'm the first to admit I've never really been a fan of the day anyway. This Facebook post from a few years ago sums it up:
This year i had my 13 year old daughter and I didn't give much thought to the 'special day' except to encourage her to wish her grandmothers and aunt (also her godmother) a Happy Mother's Day.
I wasn't expecting a gift from my daughter because i'm very open about my presence v presents preference (presence all the way) but she gave me a handmade card with a beautiful message inside, talking about how awesome she thinks i am (more badass than Gal Gadot apparently - woo!).
But something really hit me amongst the beautiful words, and that was her explanation of why she didn't get me anything. She said she didn't have any money to buy a gift and she didn't want to ask her dad because she didn't want to buy a present that was tainted with a sour taste because after all the day is about love.
I felt so sad for her and angry at my ex-husband because his pettiness made our daughter feel bad. Instead of reacting i just hugged her and assured her that her random acts of kindness and expressions of love are more than enough for me.
We were driving back from the city and while she slept i thought about the situation. Old me would have shot off an angry message to my ex to tell him what a selfish jerk he was to put our lovely girl in such a shit position. But now me, the me who has decided that hanging on to anger and hurt is more damaging to myself than the subject of my rage decided to accept it as a lesson.
Later i was heading out to do some shopping and i asked my girl if she wanted me to get a small box of chocolates for her dad's new partner. I could see she was torn - she loves to give gifts but didn't want to hurt me by giving her step-mother something when she hadn't gotten me anything. I reassured her that i was also going to buy myself some chocolate so it was totally okay.
I know it might sound like i was trying to make my ex look bad, and i had to ask myself what my motivation for offering this was, because if i'm being brutally honest , old me would have done it with an air of self-righteousness and a feeling of triumph that i was being the 'bigger person'. Not now. I'm done with the games and drama, the 'one-upping', the veiled criticism, the manipulation and the misery that punctuated our time together and very much contributed to the relationship breakdown. (I will put my hand up and say i was just as active a participant in this behaviour as my now ex-husband).
No, i did it because i want my daughter to be able to express her love and gratitude freely and not feel she has to hide part of herself or her life to protect me. At the end of the day, the more people who love and support her, the better.
I'm far from a saint - I'll admit it does sting a little when i see her step-mother write things online like "love you baby girl". The primal part of me roars "That's MY baby girl. How dare you?" but the flash of rage is gone as quickly as it came. Thank god for evolution hey? ;)
Co-parenting after separation is a minefield, volatile and fraught with danger. I'm getting some things right and some things wrong and i'm learning every day.
I think my approach can be summed up by that old serenity prayer - "grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference".
I'm the first to admit I've never really been a fan of the day anyway. This Facebook post from a few years ago sums it up:
This year i had my 13 year old daughter and I didn't give much thought to the 'special day' except to encourage her to wish her grandmothers and aunt (also her godmother) a Happy Mother's Day.
I wasn't expecting a gift from my daughter because i'm very open about my presence v presents preference (presence all the way) but she gave me a handmade card with a beautiful message inside, talking about how awesome she thinks i am (more badass than Gal Gadot apparently - woo!).
But something really hit me amongst the beautiful words, and that was her explanation of why she didn't get me anything. She said she didn't have any money to buy a gift and she didn't want to ask her dad because she didn't want to buy a present that was tainted with a sour taste because after all the day is about love.
I felt so sad for her and angry at my ex-husband because his pettiness made our daughter feel bad. Instead of reacting i just hugged her and assured her that her random acts of kindness and expressions of love are more than enough for me.
We were driving back from the city and while she slept i thought about the situation. Old me would have shot off an angry message to my ex to tell him what a selfish jerk he was to put our lovely girl in such a shit position. But now me, the me who has decided that hanging on to anger and hurt is more damaging to myself than the subject of my rage decided to accept it as a lesson.
Later i was heading out to do some shopping and i asked my girl if she wanted me to get a small box of chocolates for her dad's new partner. I could see she was torn - she loves to give gifts but didn't want to hurt me by giving her step-mother something when she hadn't gotten me anything. I reassured her that i was also going to buy myself some chocolate so it was totally okay.
I know it might sound like i was trying to make my ex look bad, and i had to ask myself what my motivation for offering this was, because if i'm being brutally honest , old me would have done it with an air of self-righteousness and a feeling of triumph that i was being the 'bigger person'. Not now. I'm done with the games and drama, the 'one-upping', the veiled criticism, the manipulation and the misery that punctuated our time together and very much contributed to the relationship breakdown. (I will put my hand up and say i was just as active a participant in this behaviour as my now ex-husband).
No, i did it because i want my daughter to be able to express her love and gratitude freely and not feel she has to hide part of herself or her life to protect me. At the end of the day, the more people who love and support her, the better.
I'm far from a saint - I'll admit it does sting a little when i see her step-mother write things online like "love you baby girl". The primal part of me roars "That's MY baby girl. How dare you?" but the flash of rage is gone as quickly as it came. Thank god for evolution hey? ;)
Co-parenting after separation is a minefield, volatile and fraught with danger. I'm getting some things right and some things wrong and i'm learning every day.
I think my approach can be summed up by that old serenity prayer - "grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference".
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