You know that feeling where you think your heart is so big, so full of love, that it might burst out of your chest? I had that feeling last night.
Back story
My daughter is 8 going on 9 and she is a beautiful, complex, unique little character.
If there's such thing as a typical girl, she's not it. She hates dolls, loathes pink, shies away from anything sparkly, avoids dresses whenever possible, has no interest in boyfriends and just a few chords of a One Direction song appears to leave her in physical pain.
Sometimes it drives me completely nuts (have you tried to buy a last minute book week costume for a little girl that isn't princess inspired?) but most of the time I am simply in awe of this creature who knows who she is, what she wants and doesn't care if other people think she's 'weird'. I recently told her that she is the person i most admire in the world, and it's true. She is comfortable in her skin, not afraid to contradict herself if she changes her mind and won't be peer pressured into anything. I wish i had that self believe at 8.....or 18......or 28......
Don't get me wrong - she's not perfect - she can be moody, whiny, manipulative and downright annoying some days, and is already showing signs of being a nightmare from the ages of 12 to about 20 but at this very moment in time she is simply awesome.
And she is constantly changing. A few months back, out of the blue, she asked me to buy her some lipstick. Now, i have a tendency to over-analyse things so my first reaction was to wonder if she was being brainwashed by our beauty-obsessed society, whether she felt she needed lipstick to feel feminine or whether someone had given her a hard time about not being interested in make-up.
No, she assured me, she knew she didn't need makeup and she's lovely the way she is. She'd just like some lipstick. Please. If that's okay.
So off we went to Priceline to buy some lippie. I let her choose and to my surprise she picked the most vibrant, deep red shade they had. For half a second i thought about telling her she needed to choose something more 'appropriate' then i thought 'fuck it. what's appropriate anyway?' and bought her that kick ass red lipstick. She wore it to the school disco and she rocked it!
But the whole situation made me realise that i had underestimated her, or at least had made a whole lot of incorrect assumptions about her. I realised that she is constantly evolving and learning more about herself and the world and as such is changing the way she things about things.
It was a bit of an epiphany for me and since then i've tried hard not to presume to know what she might like or dislike, what may interest her, and what her opinions are of, well, anything!
So, that leads me back to last night. When i got home from work she greeted me and asked if we could have a private chat a bit later. Cue panicked overthinking. Were the girls at school being mean to her again, had she been mistreated in some way by someone, was she in trouble? Oh gosh, pass me the wine.
I got distracted by the usual evening routine of cooking dinner and organising uniforms and then noticed she disappeared with her big brother into her room (which usually ends with yelling and demands to get out). A few minutes later he came out and said that i needed to have a chat with her.
So i went in and sat on the bed and my gorgeous girl looked at me then covered her face in her hands and said "I don't know if i should tell you this". Before i had time to start panicking again she kept talking "today when i was playing with my friend Blake-" (if this Blake kid has hurt her i'll kill him. KILL HIM!) "- and he admitted that he loved me and had a huge crush on me". "Oh....Oh.....and how do you feel about that?" She tells me she is happy and he's a really nice, good boy, and he really likes her just the way she is. Then she goes on to say she didn't tell me the night before because she was still in shock and needed to get her head around it. I feel myself start dying. Dying from the cuteness. Then she tells me she discussed the situation with her big brother and he advised her to tell us what was going on. (dying). She gives me this huge smile and says "I never thought this would ever happen to me." BOOM. I'm dead. I want to cry, hug her, lock her in a cupboard, freeze frame this moment where she is so full of excitement, promise, wonder and joy and keep it that way forever. Instead i put on my sensible mum hat and tell her that she is amazing and while it's great Blake loves her, she shouldn't judge herself on what others think of her. She tells me that she is perfectly happy with the way she is and will never change for anyone. TOO MUCH. TOO MUCH CUTENESS.
She then took a deep breath and said she'd better go and tell Dad, unless i wanted to do it. No sweetheart, i tell her. It's your story to tell.
So she goes off to break the news to her father, then with a grin from ear to ear she goes to bed and wishes us sweet dreams.
My heart is so full of love, but there's fear there too, i want to go after her and warn her about heart break, disappointment, failed expectations and all the dangers of life. But i can't. I can't taint that pure, innocent joy. It's not my story. It's hers. I just have to stand back and let her live it, and be there when she needs me.
This parenting caper is hard!!
Back story
My daughter is 8 going on 9 and she is a beautiful, complex, unique little character.
If there's such thing as a typical girl, she's not it. She hates dolls, loathes pink, shies away from anything sparkly, avoids dresses whenever possible, has no interest in boyfriends and just a few chords of a One Direction song appears to leave her in physical pain.
Sometimes it drives me completely nuts (have you tried to buy a last minute book week costume for a little girl that isn't princess inspired?) but most of the time I am simply in awe of this creature who knows who she is, what she wants and doesn't care if other people think she's 'weird'. I recently told her that she is the person i most admire in the world, and it's true. She is comfortable in her skin, not afraid to contradict herself if she changes her mind and won't be peer pressured into anything. I wish i had that self believe at 8.....or 18......or 28......
Don't get me wrong - she's not perfect - she can be moody, whiny, manipulative and downright annoying some days, and is already showing signs of being a nightmare from the ages of 12 to about 20 but at this very moment in time she is simply awesome.
And she is constantly changing. A few months back, out of the blue, she asked me to buy her some lipstick. Now, i have a tendency to over-analyse things so my first reaction was to wonder if she was being brainwashed by our beauty-obsessed society, whether she felt she needed lipstick to feel feminine or whether someone had given her a hard time about not being interested in make-up.
No, she assured me, she knew she didn't need makeup and she's lovely the way she is. She'd just like some lipstick. Please. If that's okay.
So off we went to Priceline to buy some lippie. I let her choose and to my surprise she picked the most vibrant, deep red shade they had. For half a second i thought about telling her she needed to choose something more 'appropriate' then i thought 'fuck it. what's appropriate anyway?' and bought her that kick ass red lipstick. She wore it to the school disco and she rocked it!
But the whole situation made me realise that i had underestimated her, or at least had made a whole lot of incorrect assumptions about her. I realised that she is constantly evolving and learning more about herself and the world and as such is changing the way she things about things.
It was a bit of an epiphany for me and since then i've tried hard not to presume to know what she might like or dislike, what may interest her, and what her opinions are of, well, anything!
So, that leads me back to last night. When i got home from work she greeted me and asked if we could have a private chat a bit later. Cue panicked overthinking. Were the girls at school being mean to her again, had she been mistreated in some way by someone, was she in trouble? Oh gosh, pass me the wine.
I got distracted by the usual evening routine of cooking dinner and organising uniforms and then noticed she disappeared with her big brother into her room (which usually ends with yelling and demands to get out). A few minutes later he came out and said that i needed to have a chat with her.
So i went in and sat on the bed and my gorgeous girl looked at me then covered her face in her hands and said "I don't know if i should tell you this". Before i had time to start panicking again she kept talking "today when i was playing with my friend Blake-" (if this Blake kid has hurt her i'll kill him. KILL HIM!) "- and he admitted that he loved me and had a huge crush on me". "Oh....Oh.....and how do you feel about that?" She tells me she is happy and he's a really nice, good boy, and he really likes her just the way she is. Then she goes on to say she didn't tell me the night before because she was still in shock and needed to get her head around it. I feel myself start dying. Dying from the cuteness. Then she tells me she discussed the situation with her big brother and he advised her to tell us what was going on. (dying). She gives me this huge smile and says "I never thought this would ever happen to me." BOOM. I'm dead. I want to cry, hug her, lock her in a cupboard, freeze frame this moment where she is so full of excitement, promise, wonder and joy and keep it that way forever. Instead i put on my sensible mum hat and tell her that she is amazing and while it's great Blake loves her, she shouldn't judge herself on what others think of her. She tells me that she is perfectly happy with the way she is and will never change for anyone. TOO MUCH. TOO MUCH CUTENESS.
She then took a deep breath and said she'd better go and tell Dad, unless i wanted to do it. No sweetheart, i tell her. It's your story to tell.
So she goes off to break the news to her father, then with a grin from ear to ear she goes to bed and wishes us sweet dreams.
My heart is so full of love, but there's fear there too, i want to go after her and warn her about heart break, disappointment, failed expectations and all the dangers of life. But i can't. I can't taint that pure, innocent joy. It's not my story. It's hers. I just have to stand back and let her live it, and be there when she needs me.
This parenting caper is hard!!
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