The break up

So two weeks ago I ended one of the biggest relationships in my life - i broke up with Facebook.

Well actually, it was more like a trial separation. I didn't delete my account but i stopped using it, and anyone who knows me knows what a huge deal that is. I thought i would really struggle with the disconnect considering i was a borderline compulsive but actually it was easy. True, i did miss the daily giggles i got from the updates of some of my lovely, funny, slightly crazy friends but i didn't miss all the other garbage on there - like the notifications that this 'friend' took the "How sexy are you today" quiz, or the status of that 'frenemy' that was offensive, racist and, worst of all, contained SPELLING ERRORS. I also didn't miss the passive-aggressive status updates by family members that just plain pissed me off.

Jokes aside though what it all boiled down to was that I just didn’t have the headspace for Facebook. My brain went into information overload and I realised that logging on was actually stressing me out.

Anyhoo, while i was revelling in my new found freedom from the shackles of social networking, Facebook wasn't coping so well. It took rejection pretty hard. I imagine it in its underwear, with three days of growth, lying on the couch in a dark room with empty bottles of Jack Daniels littering the floor (oh yeah, Facebook drinks JD).





After about three days of mourning it began its campaign to woo me back.


At first it was just a friendly email “Jennifer, we noticed you haven’t been on Facebook for a while” which I thought was really sweet – wow it actually noticed I wasn’t there…
…..Then the next day there was a more insistent “Jennifer, you have notifications pending”, which I thought was a little abrupt but hey FB is busy…
…..then there was repeated attempts at emotional blackmail “Jennifer, Nicci posted some big news, don’t miss it”, and “See Sally’s new photos”.
Then finally it moved into the angry stage of grief – “If you don’t get your ass back on Facebook now we’re going to track you down and kill you and your family!” (Actually I made that up).


So finally I have caved. I’m hooking back up with Facebook BUT we’ve got some new rules.

I’m only remaining friends with the people I actually care about. I’ve deleted all the former school mates who I wouldn’t sit down and have a coffee with if I had a chance. I also deleted anyone I didn’t know personally, anyone who I knew only friended me to collect info for their next gossip session and anyone who added me just to boost their numbers.

Gone too is everyone under the age of 21 because either a) they are too young to read what I put on FB or b) I’m too old to for their dramatic crap (also they can’t spell and use slang I don’t understand).

So after taking some time off, deleting the people i don't care about and updating my profile picture to something more flattering I’m ready to give this relationship one more try.

Geez if only life was as simple as Facebook……..

Mother of the year

Guilt. We all have it. It might be about what we eat, what exercise we don't do, how much we spend on clothes...the list goes on and on...and on.



The guilt i tend to favour is the 'bad mother' variety. Don't get me wrong i don't get drunk and beat my kids, i don't even beat them when i'm sober (oh but sometimes i'd love to), I feed them, clothe them, encourage them and love them to bits. But some days (many days) they DRIVE ME INSANE. Separately they're okay - they both have a wicked sense of humour, buckets of compassion for others and an intelligence beyond their years, but put them together and they're nasty, obnoxious, argumentative little shits.

 

This is where the guilt kicks in. I shouldn't feel like this about my kids should i? And if i do I certainly shouldn't say it publicly. This kind of attitude is horrible and socially unacceptable. I should be grateful for the gift of children (which i am), I should embrace all their foibles as a wonderful part of their growth, I should cherish every single moment of their childhood because all too soon it will be gone. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

I'm sure this is all true but when i'm living with them slyly hitting one another, snatching the remote control, teasing, name calling etc all i want to do is walk out the door, find a nice quite child free bar and drink myself to oblivion.

I know it is more a reflection on me than them. I'm simply not the all giving, all sacrificing earth mother that i 'should' be. I loath going to school functions (small people en mass tend to make me hyperventilate), I hate constantly nagging about keeping their rooms clean, taking care of their stuff etc (because frankly i still need someone to nag at me for the same things) and I LOVE my alone time.

Actually i think my aversion to school functions also stems from the feeling of judgement by other mothers who are on first name basis with all the staff because of their involvement with the P&C, their regular shifts at canteen and their attendance at weekly mass. I kinda hate those mothers. They're silent but screaming reminders of my maternal shortcomings. I should qualify this by saying 'i'm sure they're really lovely...' but screw it, it's my blog and i can rag on them if i want to.



All that aside i am slowly coming to terms with the fact that i will always need a significant part of my life that is 'me'. It's taken years to make peace with that and i'm not quite there yet. I do have to say though, when 7 mother's immediately 'like' my Facebook status saying "my children make me want to drink" it makes me feel better, because it's proof that i'm not a freak. There are other fabulous women out there who also struggle with the everyday realities of being a mother. 

I just hope when my kids grow up (and when they finish their therapy) they will understand that being true to who you are and accepting that is the only way to live a happy and full life. And that i love them, the little bastards.... 

I have a confession to make. For as long as I can remember I have had a girl crush on...........

I have no idea why. It's not like i ever really watched the show. I think i like what she represents. A strong, sexy, fearless woman. Maybe my New Year's resolution will be to be more like Wonder Woman.

Speaking of NY resolutions - i haven't really made any yet. I wasn't in the frame of mind to do it on 1.1.11 so i decided i'll spend a couple of weeks thinking about my goals for 2011 and make them on 11.1.11.

So far i have:

1) Travel overseas (UK or Spain) - this is totally going to happen, no matter what!

2) Invest my time and energy in people who care as much about me as i do about them - Some friendships die a natural death as people grow and change and move forward. While I'm sad about it i'm not bitter, because i've been lucky to have those people in my life. I will also make the effort to spend time with all the amazing people who i am lucky to call my friends.

3) Speak my mind - I've spent the best part of 30 years swallowing my opinions (believe it or not) but not this year. This year i will clearly state how i feel about things and let other people deal with how that affects them. That's not to say i'm going to go out of my way to upset people but i really believe all the anger, hurt and frustration that i keep inside will eventually make me physically ill so it's time to look after myself.

4) Exercise, eat better, blah blah blah - I'm not going to exercise to get skinny because frankly being skinny means bugger all to me BUT I have found walking regularly has a really positive impact on my frame of mind (I know, what a shock! The experts have only been saying that for like A HUNDRED YEARS). So more physical activity it is!

5) Blog more regularly - it's self indulgent and possibly no one will read it but i don't care! (please, please, please read my blog and tell me how great i am)

6) Learn something new - it might be painting, drawing, surfing, karate, Spanish or all of the above but i need to get my brain working!

Well....that's my list so far. What's on yours?

Hobo Chic

It was minus 3 when I got ready for work this morning. Perfect weather for the “Hobo Chic” look. You know, casually draped layers, scarves, and some form of headwear?

Left the house feeling pretty damn cool….until I caught sight of myself in a shop window

....and realised i'd only got one part of the style down pat.

Oh well, just another day in the life of a woman who has NEVER BEEN HIP xx

I recently watched the Karate Kid. Not the original 80’s classic. The funky new one with an old Bruce Lee and Will Smith’s son.…but that’s not really the point of my story….

The point is I’ve watched this movie and decided I’m going to take up a new hobby – martial arts.

Watching the movie I had visions of myself in training, my hair slick with sweat, rock hard abs, as flexible as a dancer, the eye of the tiger and as lethal as –well you get the point. I decided yes – that was it – that was going to be my thing!

I should really point out a few days before I watched Karate Kid I saw Puberty Blues and developed a passion for surfing. Never mind I live 2 and a half hours away from any beach, never mind I’m afraid of sharks, and so what if I don’t cope well with hot/cold weather. I was going to surf! I was going to learn (which wouldn’t take that long because we’d discover that I was a spectacularly gifted surfer), develop a killer body, perhaps go on to compete in several iron man events and then write a book about how my whole life changed.

Before Puberty Blues I saw Mao’s last dancer. Now, realistically I knew I was never going to be a prima ballerina but I had visions of me, in a leotard, killer body (picking up the theme here?), performing the most incredible moves, showing my husband that he was wrong about my two left feet.

Then there was the roller skating, inspired by the film clip to Jessica Simpson’s “Public Affair”. I went so far as to actually buy roller skates.

They went to Vinnies with the tags still attached.

Then there’s the sewing machine that’s gathering dust in the garage after my plans to become then next big thing in fashion design ended with a half sewn pair of pyjama pants and a jammed needle. Thank you Project Runway.

Time to go - booked in for my first Karate lesson tonight!