Mother's Day reflection

Here in Australia yesterday was Mother's Day. It was my first one being officially separated from my husband and father of my daughter, and it highlighted once again how tough it can be for kids of separated parents. 

I'm the first to admit I've never really been a fan of the day anyway. This Facebook post from a few years ago sums it up: 

This year i had my 13 year old daughter and I didn't give much thought to the 'special day' except to encourage her to wish her grandmothers and aunt (also her godmother) a Happy Mother's Day. 

I wasn't expecting a gift from my daughter because i'm very open about my presence v presents preference (presence all the way) but she gave me a handmade card with a beautiful message inside, talking about how awesome she thinks i am (more badass than Gal Gadot apparently - woo!). 

But something really hit me amongst the beautiful words, and that was her explanation of why she didn't get me anything. She said she didn't have any money to buy a gift and she didn't want to ask her dad because she didn't want to buy a present that was tainted with a sour taste because after all the day is about love. 

I felt so sad for her and angry at my ex-husband because his pettiness made our daughter feel bad. Instead of reacting i just hugged her and assured her that her random acts of kindness and expressions of love are more than enough for me. 

We were driving back from the city and while she slept i thought about the situation. Old me would have shot off an angry message to my ex to tell him what a selfish jerk he was to put our lovely girl in such a shit position. But now me, the me who has decided that hanging on to anger and hurt is more damaging to myself than the subject of my rage decided to accept it as a lesson. 

Later i was heading out to do some shopping and i asked my girl if she wanted me to get a small box of chocolates for her dad's new partner. I could see she was torn - she loves to give gifts but didn't want to hurt me by giving her step-mother something when she hadn't gotten me anything. I reassured her that i was also going to buy myself some chocolate so it was totally okay. 

I know it might sound like i was trying to make my ex look bad, and i had to ask myself what my motivation for offering this was, because if i'm being brutally honest , old me would have done it with an air of self-righteousness and a feeling of triumph that i was being the 'bigger person'. Not now. I'm done with the games and drama, the 'one-upping', the veiled criticism, the manipulation and the misery that punctuated our time together and very much contributed to the relationship breakdown. (I will put my hand up and say i was just as active a participant in this behaviour as my now ex-husband). 

No, i did it because i want my daughter to be able to express her love and gratitude freely and not feel she has to hide part of herself or her life to protect me. At the end of the day, the more people who love and support her, the better. 

I'm far from a saint - I'll admit it does sting a little when i see her step-mother write things online like "love you baby girl". The primal part of me roars "That's MY baby girl. How dare you?" but the flash of rage is gone as quickly as it came. Thank god for evolution hey? ;)

Co-parenting after separation is a minefield, volatile and fraught with danger. I'm getting some things right and some things wrong and i'm learning every day. 

I think my approach can be summed up by that old serenity prayer - "grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference". 

R U OK?

So, with today being RUOK Day in Australia, let me tell you a story.

Not many people know this, but I've suffered from depression for more than 14 years.

I find it really hard to openly talk about my illness for fear of being looked at or treated differently, like I'm less capable, or a little unstable, or just looking for attention. I'm not.

If I had to describe depression I would say it is exhausting. For a long time every single day was like going into battle against myself. I would fight to get myself out of bed, to get dressed, to go to work, to be a mum. Some days it was just too much. I physically couldn’t get up so I’d call in sick, making up a ‘real’ illness to cover my shame of not being able to cope.

This went on, on and off, for years, and by the end I was so tired, I was also very bloody angry. Angry at myself (for not being normal) and at others (because everything seemed so easy for them) and I just didn’t want to do it any more. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve never been suicidal but I have been so god damn bone tired that I just wanted to step out of life and sleep forever.

Gradually, with the support of some amazing people, some drugs, and some therapy, I’ve learned to coexist with my depression. I’d love to say I’m completely ‘cured’, but I’m not. My depression is still there. I can often now go months without even really giving it a second thought but it is there, lurking quietly, waiting for me to let my guard down.

There are two times when I’m still really conscious of it - when I’m really sad, and when I’m really happy.

Sad times are probably a given - when people I care about die or are in pain, when my children are sad, when I watch Notebook (every frickin’ time!), when I’m pre-menstrual – I get sad, I cry, I feel shitty like anyone else would. The difference is, I also worry. I fear that my depression might latch onto my sadness when I’m not looking and drag me down into the black bottomless pit of misery where I have been before. And I worry that maybe this is the time that I don’t have the energy to climb back out.

When I’m really happy, when I feel joyous and light and so full of gratitude I could burst, I also worry. I fear that I’m so high, soaring so far above the ground that if my depression does find a way in it will bring things crashing down so fast and so hard that i’ll never recover from the impact.

Like I said, it’s exhausting.

Given the choice I wouldn’t have depression. And maybe that’s the point of this very long winded post. Mental illness is not a choice. It’s a shitty condition that can rob you of some of the most beautiful moments, and without the right support and treatment it can take your whole life.

Unfortunately you can’t always see depression because we become pretty damn good at hiding it and pretending it’s all good, so I ask everyone - even if you think you know the answer – to take the time to ask the question - RUOK?

The agony and the ecstasy

You know that feeling where you think your heart is so big, so full of love, that it might burst out of your chest? I had that feeling last night.

Back story

My daughter is 8 going on 9 and she is a beautiful, complex, unique little character.

If there's such thing as a typical girl, she's not it. She hates dolls, loathes pink, shies away from anything sparkly, avoids dresses whenever possible, has no interest in boyfriends and just a few chords of a One Direction song appears to leave her in physical pain.

Sometimes it drives me completely nuts (have you tried to buy a last minute book week costume for a little girl that isn't princess inspired?) but most of the time I am simply in awe of this creature who knows who she is, what she wants and doesn't care if other people think she's 'weird'. I recently told her that she is the person i most admire in the world, and it's true. She is comfortable in her skin, not afraid to contradict herself if she changes her mind and won't be peer pressured into anything. I wish i had that self believe at 8.....or 18......or 28......

Don't get me wrong - she's not perfect - she can be moody, whiny, manipulative and downright annoying some days, and is already showing signs of being a nightmare from the ages of 12 to about 20 but at this very moment in time she is simply awesome.

And she is constantly changing. A few months back, out of the blue, she asked me to buy her some lipstick. Now, i have a tendency to over-analyse things so my first reaction was to wonder if she was being brainwashed by our beauty-obsessed society, whether she felt she needed lipstick to feel feminine or whether someone had given her a hard time about not being interested in make-up.

No, she assured me, she knew she didn't need makeup and she's lovely the way she is. She'd just like some lipstick. Please. If that's okay.

So off we went to Priceline to buy some lippie. I let her choose and to my surprise she picked the most vibrant, deep red shade they had. For half a second i thought about telling her she needed to choose something more 'appropriate' then i thought 'fuck it. what's appropriate anyway?' and bought her that kick ass red lipstick. She wore it to the school disco and she rocked it!

But the whole situation made me realise that i had underestimated her, or at least had made a whole lot of incorrect assumptions about her. I realised that she is constantly evolving and learning more about herself and the world and as such is changing the way she things about things.

It was a bit of an epiphany for me and since then i've tried hard not to presume to know what she might like or dislike, what may interest her, and what her opinions are of, well, anything!

So, that leads me back to last night. When i got home from work she greeted me and asked if we could have a private chat a bit later. Cue panicked overthinking. Were the girls at school being mean to her again, had she been mistreated in some way by someone, was she in trouble? Oh gosh, pass me the wine.

I got distracted by the usual evening routine of cooking dinner and organising uniforms and then noticed she disappeared with her big brother into her room (which usually ends with yelling and demands to get out). A few minutes later he came out and said that i needed to have a chat with her.

So i went in and sat on the bed and my gorgeous girl looked at me then covered her face in her hands and said "I don't know if i should tell you this". Before i had time to start panicking again she kept talking "today when i was playing with my friend Blake-" (if this Blake kid has hurt her i'll kill him. KILL HIM!) "- and he admitted that he loved me and had a huge crush on me". "Oh....Oh.....and how do you feel about that?" She tells me she is happy and he's a really nice, good boy, and he really likes her just the way she is. Then she goes on to say she didn't tell me the night before because she was still in shock and needed to get her head around it. I feel myself start dying. Dying from the cuteness. Then she tells me she discussed the situation with her big brother and he advised her to tell us what was going on. (dying). She gives me this huge smile and says "I never thought this would ever happen to me."  BOOM. I'm dead. I want to cry, hug her, lock her in a cupboard, freeze frame this moment where she is so full of excitement, promise, wonder and joy and keep it that way forever. Instead i put on my sensible mum hat and tell her that she is amazing and while it's great Blake loves her, she shouldn't judge herself on what others think of her. She tells me that she is perfectly happy with the way she is and will never change for anyone. TOO MUCH. TOO MUCH CUTENESS.

She then took a deep breath and said she'd better go and tell Dad, unless i wanted to do it. No sweetheart, i tell her. It's your story to tell.

So she goes off to break the news to her father, then with a grin from ear to ear she goes to bed and wishes us sweet dreams.

My heart is so full of love, but there's fear there too, i want to go after her and warn her about heart break, disappointment, failed expectations and all the dangers of life. But i can't. I can't taint that pure, innocent joy. It's not my story. It's hers. I just have to stand back and let her live it, and be there when she needs me.

This parenting caper is hard!!

Bucket list update

Well its been almost two weeks since my epiphany and decision to write a bucket list. 

I was kind of hoping my whole outlook and attitude would simply change overnight and life would become full and rich and exciting immediately. Did I mention I'm very impatient??

I realised yesterday just how ingrained my fear and lack of joy has become. There was a Facebook post by a guy I went to school congratulating his wife on making a representative side for touch football. I immediately thought to myself "how stupid is that? What's the point - it's not like she's going to make the Olympics. And she's in her mid 30's for christ's sake. Hasn't she left it a bit late to be sports star??". That thought was quickly followed by another "uh helloooo maybe she's doing it because she really enjoys it. You know - joy, fun? Remember those things you bitter old cow?"

It was then I realised I need to make a conscious and sustained effort to get my shit together and change my attitude - stat!

So I started my bucket list. It wasn't that easy because every time I came up with something my inner critic would say "what's the point of that?" Or "you can't afford to do that" or "thousands of people want to do that, what makes you think you'll succeed where they've failed?" (I really don't like that bitch!) Anyway despite the voice I've put pen to paper (or fingers to iPad) and started my list. 

So here goes:

Learn to sing (and perform a in public)
Learn to dance
Learn to play an instrument
Paint a beautiful picture
Act in a play
Write a book

So there it is - or at least the start of it. I'm hoping to continue to add to it (and even tick some off) soon.

The Bucket List

Bucket list
My husband I and I were driving along the other day. It was sunny and we were on our own, feeling relaxed and happy and we were chatting about this and that when he asked me what was on my bucket list. I couldn't think of anything. Not one single thing I really want to do before I 'kick the bucket'. The realisation hit me like a cold, wet slap in the face.

I wish I could say my bucket list is empty because I feel completely fulfilled with my life as it is and there's nothing I aspire to do. I mean, I have two gorgeous children, amazing friends, lovely family and a job that isn't too taxing and allows me to have a work-life balance. And in one way it is true. I love my life and the people in it and I feel so grateful for all I have. But to say that's why I don't have a bucket list would be a cop out. It's because over the years, I have become so focused on just surviving, that I haven't given myself permission to dream. The pressure of being the major breadwinner, the responsible one, the one who has to keep the family grounded and  safe has left me empty. I haven't dared to take the time to think about my dreams, my hopes, my passions. 

I began to cry.

 Not exactly the reaction my husband was expecting to his lighthearted, playful question. 

I sobbed as I realised just how crippled by fear I have become without even noticing it. When did I turn into this person? I used to have ideas, dreams, desires. Where did they go? And when? 

As I wept, with my slightly baffled husband by my side, my sorrow slowly started to be replaced by another feeling - gratitude. I am so grateful that I've had this realisation because now I'm aware of it, I can change it. 

My first step is to dig deep and find those long forgotten dreams and breathe new life into them. Then I'll start my bucket list.

I'll let you know how I go! 

Do you have a bucket list? What's on it? 

Looking back, looking forward

It's the last day of 2013 and for a lot of people they'll be saying "thank god!" It was a year of struggle for many of the people I know, affected by illness, death, separation, business failure, friendships ending, troubles at work. It seems everyone I talk to can't wait to see the end of the year. I totally understand - I went through a few of those things i just listed - and it would be easy to just write it off as a shit year and one I'm glad is over, but I had to stop myself and realise a) while a lot of crap happened so did some great stuff (sometimes as a result of the crap I went through), and b) everything that happened taught me a lesson which I needed to learn to better equip me for an amazing year ahead.

For example My husband and I had some really dark moments (days, weeks, months) where I think we both ready to just call it quits. It was hard to see any light at then end of the very long, very black tunnel we found ourselves in. There were tears and arguments and shouting and blame and anger and sorrow and depression. I don't know how but we've managed to keep it together and today, maybe even because of all that yelling our relationship is the strongest it has been in the 12 years we've been together. We are communicating more and have had some really honest conversations that probably wouldn't have happened had we not been through that awful period.

I was also jolted by the deaths of several friends over the year. One was a friends mother who I knew and really liked and admired for many years. She was ill and her death was not unexpected but I think what really surprised me and gave me a kick up the ass was her funeral. It was truly lovely. She had been able to plan a lot of it and she made it full of joy. The last few years hasn't been kind to Jenny and she had every reason to be angry and bitter but she wasn't. What shined through on the day that she was laid to rest was the gratitude she had. She was grateful for her friends, her children, her life which she filled with adventure and fun and experiences. The other thing that was evident was the love in the room. Everyone there knew and truly loved Jenny for who she was. It occurred to me that this was the kind of life I wanted and the legacy I wanted to leave. Then I realised there is only one person in the world who can make that happen for me. ME! I will forever be grateful to Jenny for her inspiration.

There was also the sudden death of my friend Chris who I didn't know was even sick. He was taken swiftly and without fuss in November. I hadn't speak to him in such a long time but had often thought "I wonder how Chris is going. I really must call him" but I didn't because other things came up and I got busy. How easy it is?

Chris's death was another wake up call for me for me to take responsibility for my life and my happiness because our time is limited and we are in charge of our own destiny.

For me, trying to find lessons from these tragedies is a way of trying to make sense of them and honouring the memory of these people who made the world a better place just by being in it.

There is so much more I could write about how and why 2013 has been a tough year but I want to finish it in a positive way, because despite the things that have happened to and around me there is still so much to be grateful for and I know I am so incredibly fortunate in the grand scheme of things.

I have discovered new friends and have been reminded of the amazing support of old ones. When I stop and think about the people I have in my life I literally well up. I am surrounded by love and strength and support, and I've been making a conscious effort to make sure those people know how much I love them.

I have achieved things I wanted to achieve. I've achieved things I thought I wanted but realised they actually weren't all that great, then summoned up the courage to walk away from them.

To varying degrees I've been hurt, let down, betrayed, manipulated, underestimated, lied to, lied about and disappointed and while I haven't fully forgiven those who did wrong by me this year (I'm not a fecking saint) I can say I have (mostly) let go of the anger, accepted that everyone is fighting their own battles and have their own reasons for doing what they do, and have taken a little lesson away from each experience.

I have also felt the pure joy of meeting brand new human beings who have brought with them so much love and hope. Their innocence and beauty warm the heart and nourish the soul. I look forward to watching them grow and develop over the next year and beyond.

So all in all it's been a tough year but I know it has prepared us well for the future and whatever it holds.

Happy New Year

A picture can say a thousand words

Warning: If you do not agree with/enjoy the objectification of men, do not look below.

That is all.

Have a nice day :)